How to explain. This sex-shin is not for the feint-hearted or my family. It’s not personal. And I deny any associations with the author of these pieces…
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SPUNK JAM – SPAM JUNK
I was genuinely just sent this, one of the hundreds of Enlarge your Penis Spam emails that get filtered through my junk every day, but this one made it through to my Inbox because all the text was embedded and not attached. Please enjoy its ridiculousness as much as I did 
At last you’ve found a lass that’s hot.
You wanna hump her dripping twat.
She’s so attractive, she’s so nice!
But would your penile size suffice?
Not sure she will long for more?
You need a thing she would adore!
But how to raise it long and thick?
Your only chance is MegaDik!
You’ll get so wanted super-size
And see great pleasure in her eyes!
Your shaft will slam her poon so deep,
Tonight you’ll hardly fall asleep!
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TO THE GIRLS
Dedicated to my dear friend who genuinely doesn’t understand why they don’t call. (this is NOT a feminist rant, and yes, I know, there are really good ones out there – and I have one of them. I’ll stop defending myself now)
To the poor girls who don’t know that when he asks for it on the first date, he doesn’t want it.
To the girls who put out and the guy walks out.
To the girls who swallowed and weren’t followed.
To the girls who said they were virgins, but brought their own condoms and lube.
To the girls who have 16 orgasms and never have to touch their clitoris, he’s faking liking you too.
To the girls who undress themselves like they see in the cheap porns, expect to get paid.
To the girls who are going through their phone looking for a guy to call. Stop. Don’t. Please don’t. You don’t understand. Chivalry is dead and desperate girls get booty girls.
Unless. You just want to get laid, which would be a wonderful, truly beautiful and spectacular thing if it wasn’t shunned against in the modern world for a female to have such animalistic wants.
A guy’s head on the first date goes something like:
I like you and want to have sex with you, desperately. BUT. If you let me, I won’t like you anymore. I realllly want to put my nob in your mouth. BUT. If you let me, I won’t call you. I reallllly want you to let me put my face there. BUT. If you let me, I’ll tell my friends how easy it was.
I want a girl who just says no. All the time. Who never puts out, but who teases that one day, when I’ve worked hard enough for it, that I can have it.
In the meantime, I will stick my rod into another manhole. You don’t have to know about it. I care about you sweetheart. You, oh beauty that I can’t have. For, I am man bull! And I love chase. No chase too big for man with bulldick!. I am GOD! Let me in, let me in, BUT dont! Or I’ll give up the hunt and look for fresh prime cut meat!
You’re a nice girl, you’re smart and funny and very very sexy. But you gave it to me without me even trying. And it was too good for it to be your first time. I know I didn’t say no. I wanted it, but now. I just don’t want to keep you afterwards. Until I get pissed off my face and call you at midnight, I know you’ll do the trick then.
FOR I AM MAN. I AM MAN WITH MANCOCK. I AM MAN WHO WANTS VIRGIN GIRL. THEN I WILL BE MANGOD. FOR I WILL HAVE CONQUERED.
What a shame, we could have been great together and in the meantime, I could’ve shagged that other girl that sucked me off last week and then you and I could get married and be happy forever, you *(&^% slut!
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SILLY ACCENT
Alo mah dear Poodel, sank yu so mutch for my erm how do I say, eh, byutifool letter. I ahm vergy vergy tuched zat yu av taken zis time to eh be wgiting for me wiz such erm how do I say, eh, byutiful wuhds and storgies. I am at zie momment, sitting neked on a bitch on za Fgench/Germaine bordeh, sipping on a corktail of fine ciggagettes and eh girlz. I av vergy mutch missed yourg erm, how do I say, eh byutifool boodwa, but I eh, am sure zat viz ze exchanj rate eh I will find mahself eh nice erm how do I say, eh byutiful neked em pool boy to clean mah em, how do you call it, em, garden.
